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^{Dear Blue Keeper:}

^{Question: After pressure from his parents, my husband revealed to me that he had sexually abused his sister between the ages of 11 and 15 (sister would have been 7 - 11). What do I do now?}

^Answer:_‍

_{I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. I've gone through a similar situation.  Right after my now-husband and I got engaged, his sister disclosed to me that he had abused her when they were both children--a similar timeframe, he 10-14 and she 8-12. This is called COCSA (child on child sexual abuse). There are a lot of specifics of your situation that I don't know, but I'll share a little bit about my experience.}

_{My partner and I were living together, recently engaged, with no kids of our own and no kids that were under our care. When this news first came to light, he was not the one to tell me.  His sister did, and he confirmed it.  I moved out of our house for about 3 weeks and sought support from my family.  You may want to take some space, if that's an option available to you.  If you have children together, or any children you routinely care for together, you need to confirm that they are safe. There are also resources available to make sure you and your husband are safe, even if you decide to be physically separate for a time: Stop it Now, RAINN, National Suicide & Crisis Line, What's OK. My family was aware of the situation, and my parents checked on my husband when I was worried for his safety but did not want to see him.}

_{From my experience, the way my husband handled the disclosure and fallout as an adult is what I base my judgement on, not his actions as a child.  I saw clear remorse from him--not just because he "got in trouble". He worked to understand how his actions caused his sister historical and continuing pain.  He committed to serious work and chose a difficult path of accountability-- it would have been easier (and indeed what some of the family wanted) for him to say it wasn't a big deal or that his sister was lying or exaggerating.  He made some very bad choices as a kid, and I am impressed by and respect the choices I've seen him make as an adult.  For that reason, we've stayed together.  Things could have played out very differently if his response as an adult was different.}

_{Three years since disclosure, the road is still sometimes bumpy. People in the family view the seriousness of this issue differently, and that causes a lot of ongoing trouble and disagreement about how to handle it. Family dynamics and events are often difficult to navigate, but my husband and I are committed to the difficult work of open conversations and setting healthy boundaries. I haven’t always known the best way to support my sister-in-law, but our ongoing dialogue has helped me better understand her experience and respect her needs.}

<sub>What I've come to understand is COCSA is a unique situation that is very difficult to handle as an adult.  COCSA often happens when a child is abused by an adult (or another child) and then turns around and repeats the behavior on another child. This is not an excuse, but a relevant explanation and maybe a conversation to explore with your husband.  Youth who harm other youth have certainly done something wrong, yet the responsibility they bear is different from that of an adult who causes harm.

I am so glad you've found the resource of Hidden Water! Hidden Water has Purple Circles, which my husband has participated in and met many people with a very similar story to his.  This situation is really more common than we all may think.  There are also Purple/Green circles, for people who were harmed as children and also harmed someone else.  I participate in Blue Circles, and have found them deeply healing.  This is a very common situation, but if no one talks about it, we experience it in isolation, thinking we're the only ones who do.</sub> ^‍

^{- Blue Keeper}

^{Dear Green Keeper:}

^{Question: How important is memory to your story? I have incomplete memories, and though I remember some incidents of abuse I sometimes have flashbacks that make me think there may have been other people and incidents. I have had paranoid delusions in the past as have other members of my family and I have learned not to cling to the determining the "truth" in other family situations and focus on meeting one another where we are. However, I don't know how I would approach anybody in my family about what happened without myself having the clarity to at least have my own back if I'm faced with denial or worse. And I don't know how to move forward without being honest about the healing work I'm doing. How much have others remembered, and how important is memory to their family healing?}

^{Answer: This is a fantastic question. Thank you for asking it.}

^{While I will only be giving my opinion, and this may not be true for everyone, I hope it helps. I have recovered memories of sexual harm incidents from different people in my young years. They have come to me in waves, through many decades, a little at a time. There have been times when I am not sure if it is so called "true" or my child interpretation of some boundary crossing event by an adult or my mind protecting me from the full extent of the sexual harm. There are episodes I am sure about, but have grappled with feeling they were my fault, which clouds my ability to face it as harm.  Other memories are more clear, and sometimes I cling to those to feel justified in feeling the impact of sexual harm on my life.}

^{And, there are those memories that sit in my body painfully - though no one would call the facts I recall "abuse". I let those memories sit among the clear ones too, because I am sure I was harmed, and because memories will run and hide to protect us at different moments, I do not hold them to some standard of being there as facts at all moments. All that to say, this is a very normal experience for an adult trying to process the sexual harm as a young person, from what I can tell.}

^{I think many people we may disclose to immediately jump to some version of "can you prove that?" - as if we need to convince someone else. We do not. As if the facts are theirs to weigh before they decide whether we deserve to be held in what we have been through, what we are going through still. No one else knows our inner world, and our life experiences. What we remember now, clear or foggy, is enough. To heal, we must focus on the impact, not the proof.}

^{If I freeze whenever I am engaging in consensual sex with my spouse - and I "feel" like I might have been sexually harmed as a child, or I completely remember for a fact that I was - the impact is the same. The importance is the struggle with the symptom (freezing/dissociation) and the impact it has on my relationship, not where it came from. When we are trying to heal, we do not need to prove in a court of law what happened. Healing often means we travel down the road of broken memories, and question what is this flashback, this distortion, this response I have when thinking of a specific person or place. To heal we honor our feelings, and soft focusing 'who, what, where, how' and lean into the impact.}

^{When disclosing, we do not need to say more than "I have these fractured memories, and they sit with me in ways that negatively impact my life". We can say that to people who can hold it. For those who  jump to some sentiment that sounds like "I don't believe you - prove it!" - then we know that person can't hold it until they do more of their own work. That is there work, not ours. I guess what I am saying is 'find your safest people to talk to about it, and know that whatever you do recall and whatever you do feel is enough'.}

^{- Green Keeper}

^{Dear Hidden Water Community:} 

^{Question: I have recently begun doing my work as someone who harmed a neighborhood girl that I was babysitting when I was in my teens. I was also being sexually harmed at the time by my grandfather, and I was using drugs and acting out. I am now, through much therapy, sobriety, and healing from sexual abuse myself coming to terms with the ways I have harmed another child who was in my care. I wanted to reach out to this girl who is now in her 30’s, married with her own children. My mother still knows her mother. Is it ok for me to reach out to apologize?}  

^Purple

^{Answer: First, I would like to take the moment to honor the work you have done and will continue to do as this journey has no finite destination. It is a difficult road to walk with many ups and downs. I too have considered contacting the person I harmed, but have decided over and over again it would be inappropriate for me to do so. I believe part of that urge comes from me seeking closure for myself, and wanting to be able to move on. Then I ask myself would even a genuine apology provide that for the other person, or even for me?}

^{I want to convince myself that an apology will change things but I know it won’t. A simple sorry will not cut it. Perhaps more importantly, respecting the boundaries of those we've hurt matters. It is possible they have found peace and put this behind them. Or maybe the opposite, they are holding on as best they can, not needing another reminder of the harm. I have to remind myself I need to be aware that I could cause more damage by reappearing in their lives.} 

^{The best thing I can do is be ready for a conversation if they ever approach me. It should be on their terms, not mine, so I will wait patiently to see if that may happen one day. I hope it does.} 

^{Hope this was helpful to you.} 

^{Fellow Purple.}

‍

_{To a Blue Keeper:}

_{Question: My partner was harmed by her uncle, her mother's beloved twin brother. No one in the family knows about this. We are expected to go to holidays, birthday parties, weddings (the usual) with these family members. Now my mother-in-law has offered to take her children and grandchildren on a cruise while her brother comes along with his whole family. It is barely tolerable for me during a few hour event. I do not believe we should go on this vacation. My wife and I had a big blow up over this and she claims this is her journey, her family and since I wasn't even around when it happened, I need to just go along with what she wants. Can I seriously have no say in this, or any justifiable feelings?} 

‍

^{Answer: Thank you for reaching out with this situation. I believe it is a very common one, and many people will relate to it. The short answer is YES - of course you can have your feelings and play a part in how your family interacts with your in-laws. Absolutely. The way to go about it though is to understand that for the person harmed, there is 'coping with the family' and their is 'facing the family' - and those are two different things. When a person who was harmed sexually is not ready to face the family and ask them to take into account the harm when making plans, they may still be healing but not ready for that step. As someone who was harmed by a family member myself, I can see why it would be difficult to tell the mom (who presumably isn't aware) of what her brother has done. It can be an unimaginable step to take for it would surely disrupt the mom's relationship with everyone. Many harmed people will never face their family in this way because to them, it doesn't seem worth it. If she doesn't say yes to the vacation, then she will have to answer why.}

^{However, your wife does not live in a vacuum, and her decision to not disclose to her family has a negative impact on other aspects of her life. Namely, her relationships with you, and other who know about the harm. This is still a negotiation about how each of you will be supported through the understandable feelings, and trauma of this situation. Child sexual abuse hurts everyone, even those who were not part of the family at the time. The ongoing harm is the secret keeping and the dynamics that creates in a family. There are ways to agree that each of you should have your needs met by the situation. Figure out what they are. She might have a need to spend time with her parents, siblings, cousins without having to disclose the harm. You may have a need to not spend time around the uncle pretending that you do not know. You each have a big job of making sure your children are safe from harm, and I would imagine have a good experience with their grandparents.}

^{If you start this negotiation with an agreed upon goal of making sure everyone feels (and is) as safe as possible, then join each other in accomplishing that goal. If one of you is going along but will be resentful, then you haven't found the solution yet. Take a little time, and then come back to it with new creative ideas. Last thing I will say, I do believe that it is better for the person harmed (Green) to have their partner stand up for not colluding with the secret. While it can be terrifying to feel like you might be losing control over your own story, it can also at different moments feel like someone is standing up to this when I can not. There is a middle road here. I hope you both find it.}

^Keepers:

^{Question: I sometimes want to talk about the sexual harm I endured from my aunt when I was younger. I have talked about it a little in therapy but then find I just collapse inside. My aunt was mentally ill and "played" games with me which I later understood to be sexual abuse. I, in turn, "played" those same games with my younger sister who is still to this day struggling from addiction and suicide attempts. It came out this year that I sexually abused her when we were younger - which I did - and this is the source of all her failures in life. I believe it probably is. I don't feel like I can say to anyone about the harm I endured from my aunt, because my life didn't seem to fall apart like my sister's life did.}

^{I do feel like I am having a difficult time in my life though it doesn't seem like it from the outside. I have a good job, went to a good school, pay my rent and bills, and have a lot of friends. I do suffer though on the inside, and I feel like I am not healing by shutting down the shame of having harmed my sister, which is hard to access without telling the story of my aunt. How can I balance these two horrible events without sounding like I am making excuses?} 

^{Answer: Thank you for reaching out. As a Green-Purple myself and having spent time in Green-Purple circles, your question brings out that inevitable dance between walking the path to healing both our green and purple stories, which includes being witnessed in both situations, and not blaming our green story on our purple story. Yes, one may not have occurred without the other, but we can still take responsibility for the choices we made and the harm we did, even as a child. And this is what I hear you wanting to do, but I hear you saying that you don't know how to do it, without holding your aunt responsible for the harm she did to you. Do I have that right?}

^{Just because you and your sister are walking your paths to healing from harm differently, and living your lives differently, doesn't mean you deserve any less to be witnessed and to walk both your purple and green paths to healing.I wonder if a place to start might be to participate in a Green-Purple circle to explore this further.}  

^{May there be ease and healing in whatever you decide.}

^{Dear Hidden Water Community:}

^{Question: I have two sons in their twenties. The younger one recently told me that the older one sexually abused him when he was 8 to 10 years old. My younger son has struggled in many ways with his life, and through his own therapy has been able to disclose this to my husband and me. We confronted our older son who said it did happen and that he was sorry. We let our younger son know he admitted it and that he was sorry which only made him more upset.} 

^{He has now told us that we must choose between him and our older son. He has said that we can not be in a relationship with them both. And if we do not cease speaking or seeing our older son immediately, we will never see him again.  We are so confused, grief stricken and lost with what to do next.}

^{Orange Parent.}

^{Answer: Dear Orange Parent:}

^{We are right here with you.  It is so painful to hear that our child has been harmed, and doubly so when the harm was done by someone we love.  Add to that a threat of estrangement and it can be almost more than a parent can bear.}

^{We hear you, many of us have also been there, and now we’re further down the road on our journeys so we can share a bit of what we have learned along the way.}

^{For many of us, the natural instinct is to either deny our childrens’ truths, to justify what happened, or to minimize the harm within the family system.  “It couldn’t be that bad.”  “He is a good brother, he must have made a mistake.”  When your harmed son hears that, it will cause more harm.  So catch yourself and instead, recognize that both of your sons are speaking their truth.  Your job as the parent is to hear them, accept where they are, create spaciousness for the healing work - which every member of the family will do differently over time - and to keep your own oxygen mask on tight.}  

^{Your harmed son is coping with a huge awareness that is rocking his world in ways he never asked for - and he is begging you to see him, hear him, demonstrate that you are in his court.  “You didn’t see what was happening before, I need you to see me now.”  The way he is doing that is by demanding that you never see the person who harmed him ever again.
‍}

^{What we know at Hidden Water is that every member of the family, including those who caused harm, are part of the healing journey.}  

^{So you might consider saying something like this to your harmed son… “We believe you, we love you, we are right here with you every step of the way.  We will never leave you. What you are experiencing is so painful. It was our job to keep you safe and we didn’t do that and we take responsibility for that. We support you in having choice about if and when you see your brother, we will never force you to see him. We are walking this journey with you.”}  

^Period.

^{Your son who caused harm has also been harmed in all sorts of ways. He needs your love and support, as well.}

^{When your family is ready, we encourage each member to go through a Hidden Water Circle in the appropriate color so that you can speak a common language as a family.  It makes a big difference.}  

^{As parents, your focus will be on learning to be the strongest parents you can be for your two sons and we do that in Orange Circle.  You cannot heal your sons, but you can work on your own healing and model that work, with integrity, for your sons.  That creates room for them to focus on theirs.}

<sup>We are here when you are ready to join us.

- Sr. Orange Circle Keeper</sup>

^{Dear Green Keeper:}

^{Question: I am so sick of going to holidays with my extended family where everyone loves to tell stories about my grandfather and uncles epic adventures. They were always getting into trouble with some "hilarious" twisted drunken situation. Many of us are aware of the sexual harm my one uncle caused to me at a very young age. Was my uncle a great guy in some ways? Yes, in some ways. Did he love me? I believe he did, again, in some ways. My question is this: do I really have to sit silently dissociating while my uncle gets woven into our family folklore as some 'great guy'?}

^{Answer: Thank you for reaching out. The short answer is "No, you do not."}

^{As people who have experienced sexual harm from a family member, we have a unique experience that others in our family will not fully understand. That does not mean they can not be asked to support boundaries that we need or be sensitive to the impact they are having on us when they are casually talking about the offender as if they did not devastate our lives. It is also true that family members sometimes want to believe we are 'over it' because we seem better, or we talked about that person positively ourselves, or that it 'happened so long ago' why can't we just remember the good things about that person. We (those who have experienced sexual harm from a family member) know it is far more nuanced and complex than that.}

^{I would recommend finding the safest person in the family and explaining to them what you need in these circumstances. It can be anything from "please do not talk about that person in front of me" to can you please check on me to make sure I am ok when stories like that surface". For me, I often like to awkwardly balance a 'glorifying' story with a reminder that this person also caused harm to our family to make sure that gets into the folklore too. It is uncomfortable, but I just say 'let's be sure we remember the whole truth, not just the good parts'.}

^{We wish our family members would just know what we need and do that but they don't know. We actually have to tell them. Family members are often at differing degrees of their own healing work. We do not have to live at the level of the least healed person. We can live out loud, ask for our needs to be met when possible, and also hold that everyone doesn't have the same experiences with that person as we do.}